Congratulate me on my weird new arrival! The salacious rumors you've heard are shockingly close to the truth! A whiskey-addled, desomorphine-addicted stork has just delivered my dear one, who is now safely tucked away in its booby-trapped crib! Complimentary cigars are both expected and welcome! Today
marks the birth of my new book, THE EXPECTANT MOTHER DISINFORMATION HANDBOOK, courtesy of Madness Heart Press! Feel free to order this beautifully perverse bundle of joy RIGHT HERE! The first to order the print edition will be named the godparent in future editions!
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ADVANCE PRAISE FOR THE EXPECTANT MOTHER DISINFORMATION HANDBOOK...
"Robert Guffey’s The Expectant Mother Disinformation Handbook is
weirder than parthenogenesis, weirder than the Republican Party,
weirder than the fetishizing of pregnancy that suffuses our culture,
weirder than all the back issues of Weird Tales combined. You
will laugh, gasp, and scratch your head in pleasurable bemusement. I
can’t recommend this tongue-in-cheek tour de force too highly."
—JAMES MORROW, award-winning author of Only Begotten Daughter and Behold the Ape
"Here it is. THE perfect baby-shower/gender reveal party gift. Forget all the binkies, blankies, cute little onesies, and diaper-service subscriptions. Those are so overdone and boring. Want to make a REAL impact? This book. This book right here [...].
—JAMES MORROW, award-winning author of Only Begotten Daughter and Behold the Ape
"Here it is. THE perfect baby-shower/gender reveal party gift. Forget all the binkies, blankies, cute little onesies, and diaper-service subscriptions. Those are so overdone and boring. Want to make a REAL impact? This book. This book right here [...].
"Well-written,
lively, engaging, easy to read, and tons of fun. If I were a truly evil
imp with plenty of money, I’d sneak copies into every OB/GYN office and
‘Parenting and Family’ bookstore section in the country."
--CHRISTINE MORGAN, award-winning author of Spermjackers from Hell and Lakehouse Infernal
--CHRISTINE MORGAN, award-winning author of Spermjackers from Hell and Lakehouse Infernal
________________________________________________________
The Expectant Mother Disinformation Handbook is part novel, part fabulist encyclopedia. It’s academic research that’s shockingly close to the truth. The Expectant Mother Disinformation Handbook is a cabinet of wonders disguised as an informational guide for expectant mothers. Backed up with scientific-sounding footnotes from imaginary obstetricians, this book threatens to raise the paranoia of postmodern motherhood to a new level of absurdity.
In the pages of this handbook you will learn about such chimerical illnesses as the Quantum Singularity Syndrome, Symmetrical Child Syndrome, Involuntary Dimensional Transits, Spontaneous Infant Combustion Syndrome, Black Hole Syndrome, Polyinfantalia, Shrinking Brain Syndrome, Muppetitis, Midwich Disease, and Oneirokyesis (known to some pediatricians as “Dream Baby Disease”). But fatal diseases are not the only purview of The Expectant Mother Disinformation Handbook. You’ll find out about the dangers of allowing your fetus in utero internet connection, how to use your child as an assassin, the growing problem of terrorism in the womb, in utero phone sex, the high weirdness of Origami Babies, the little known fact that Shakespeare created pregnancy, the mystery of the fetus-abducting Comprachicos, and a rare in-depth interview with Dracula about his attitudes regarding child raising, among many other illuminating tidbits of obscure but vital historical data.
Ultimately, this book is a scathing satire on the unthinking commercialization of motherhood, fatherhood, and procreation in general.
The Expectant Mother Disinformation Handbook is part novel, part fabulist encyclopedia. It’s academic research that’s shockingly close to the truth. The Expectant Mother Disinformation Handbook is a cabinet of wonders disguised as an informational guide for expectant mothers. Backed up with scientific-sounding footnotes from imaginary obstetricians, this book threatens to raise the paranoia of postmodern motherhood to a new level of absurdity.
In the pages of this handbook you will learn about such chimerical illnesses as the Quantum Singularity Syndrome, Symmetrical Child Syndrome, Involuntary Dimensional Transits, Spontaneous Infant Combustion Syndrome, Black Hole Syndrome, Polyinfantalia, Shrinking Brain Syndrome, Muppetitis, Midwich Disease, and Oneirokyesis (known to some pediatricians as “Dream Baby Disease”). But fatal diseases are not the only purview of The Expectant Mother Disinformation Handbook. You’ll find out about the dangers of allowing your fetus in utero internet connection, how to use your child as an assassin, the growing problem of terrorism in the womb, in utero phone sex, the high weirdness of Origami Babies, the little known fact that Shakespeare created pregnancy, the mystery of the fetus-abducting Comprachicos, and a rare in-depth interview with Dracula about his attitudes regarding child raising, among many other illuminating tidbits of obscure but vital historical data.
Ultimately, this book is a scathing satire on the unthinking commercialization of motherhood, fatherhood, and procreation in general.
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