President Obama
The White House
1600
Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington,
D.C.
Dear President Obama:
It's been awhile since I last wrote to you, so I thought it
was about time I sent you a brief update.
Everything's just swell here in Los
Angeles. My pitch
meeting is tomorrow at 11:00 A.M. at Jim Henson Studios over on 1416 North La
Brea Avenue, not far from Grauman's Chinese Theatre and the El Capitan. It's a charming little lot filled with
bungalows that resemble an antiquated alpine village. There's a giant, tuxedoed Kermit the Frog
standing on top of the main gate, forever tipping his top hat to the passersby. It's all quite charming.
Tomorrow I'm meeting with the Executive Vice President of
the studio to propose an idea for the next Muppet movie. Here's the title (I think you and your kids
will love it): The Muppets on Flight 11.
Fade in: On the morning
of September 11, 2001, the Muppets climb aboard American Airlines Flight 11 because
they're heading to Los Angeles for an important gig at the Hollywood Bowl. The whole gang is there. They're all happy and singing. It seems like the beginning of another bright
and beautiful morning. Suddenly… chaos
ensues! Five Muslim terrorists hijack
the plane and take over the cockpit. The
Muppets, of course, come to the rescue.
Fozzie Bear drops Gonzo into a cannon, lights the fuse, and sends the
masochistic Muppet hurtling into the solar plexus of one of the terrorist-fiends. A second Arab whips out a box cutter and
threatens Kermit the Frog. Miss Piggy,
understandably pissed off, screams, "Hiiiiiiiiii-yah!" and slams a Prada high heeled shoe right into the
terrorist's nuts. The box cutter goes
flying out of the iniquitous towelhead's fist and crashes into a window with such tremendous
force that massive cracks form in the plexiglass. The window breaks and the cabin begins to
depressurize. Beaker is sucked out of
the arms of his beloved mentor, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and gets stuck in the open
window, inadvertently staving off the depressurization. We see a close-up of Beeker's head sticking
out the window, the force of the wind causing the antron fleece skin on his
face to pull back from his soft teeth, his drawbridge mouth opening wide, his
crazy eyes bulging out of their sockets as he screams, "Mee-mee-meeeeeeee!"
Several musical numbers will punctuate this feature-length
film, which amounts to a two-hour-long fight scene so perfectly orchestrated
that it's comparable to a ballet. You'll
be pleased to learn that Samuel Jackson and Liam Neeson are also passengers on
this flight. At one point Neeson erupts
from his seat, dropping a martini onto the plush carpet in First Class, and
yells, "Release the Kraken!" Giant, stop-motion, Ray-Harryhausen-manufactured
tentacles emerge from the clouds, wrap around the plane, and try to tear it to
shreds until Dr. Honeydew shoots the mythological beast with an experimental
laser beam that reduces the tentacles to smoking stumps. What's left of the tentacles retreats into
the clouds and the flight continues.
Now we cut back to the interior of Flight 11: Having combined their considerable strengths,
the Muppets have succeeded in turning the box cutters back on three of their
assailants, leaving a bloody, Arabic mess in the aisle of the plane. We see the five members of the Muppet house
band (i.e., Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem) burst into the cockpit and
proceed to engage in a rousing bout of fisticuffs with the two godless heathens
who are now piloting the airliner. As
the ruthless al-Qaeda acolytes do their best to slice the throats of Dr. Teeth,
Janice, Floyd Pepper and Zoot, Animal is able to leap into the pilot's seat and
get his furry orange paws on the controls.
"AN-I-MAL… AN-I-MAL!"
screams the primitive beast, now over-stimulated with adrenaline, slamming his hairy
fists into the array of blinking lights laid out before him on the control
panel. Just as the other members of Dr.
Teeth and the Electric Mayhem succeed in subduing the terrorists, Animal
releases a bloodcurdling shriek ("AN-I-MAL…
AN-I-MAL!") and aims the plane directly
into the North Tower
of the World Trade Center,
thus destroying all the passengers on board, including almost every Muppet in
existence.
Are you still with me, Mr. President? Flash forward to September 14: We begin with an aerial view of the
blackened, skeletal rubble that was once the most magnificent skyscraper in the
world. We hear the sounds of President
George W. Bush delivering to the firefighters of New York an inspirational, stirring speech
through a bullhorn. The President is
commemorating the bravery of all the victims who were lost on that dark day. Suddenly, a raspy voice rings out from the
crowd: "I can't HEAR you!" The camera closes in on The President. At first he looks confused, then grins and replies,
"Ah, but I can hear you! In fact, the rest of the world hears
you! And the terrorists who knocked
these buildings down… will hear all of
us soon!" Rising above the cheers
can be heard the phlegmatic laughter of two senior citizens; the camera swings
around to reveal Statler and Waldorf, the pair of irate old men who often
jeered their fellow Muppets during the live broadcasts of The Muppet Show, sitting on a nearby lamppost as they hurl vicious
invectives at the President. (Note: Statler and Waldorf were the only Muppets who
survived the destruction of Flight 11 because they ended up getting packed in a
piece of luggage that was accidentally rerouted to Boston's
Logan Airport.) Statler:
"Eh? What's that?
The terrorists who knocked
these buildings down? You jackball! Don't you know that your own cabinet engineered the hijacking? Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney knew about
the plot months ago and refused to do anything about it in order to kickstart a
decade-long war in the Middle East that would
be lucrative to American weapons manufacturers!" Waldorf:
"Wha—? Are you sayin' the President of the United States
is a puppet?" Statler:
"Now hold on there, my friend!
Let's not give the poor fellow more credit than he deserves!" Both Muppets laugh in tandem at this comment,
but their hearty cackles are cut off abruptly by the sound of gunfire. Metal-piercing bullets blow white stuffing
out of the backs of Statler and Waldorf's octogenarian heads, thus silencing the
colorful critiques of Statler and Waldorf forever. Dubya's eagle-eyed secret service agents have
picked off both hecklers with quick and clean kill shots—not unlike the ones
that will eliminate Osama bin Laden from the planet eleven years hence. Dubya continues his rousing speech, not missing
a beat, the bullhorn seeming to grow louder and louder until all that's audible
is a promise of righteous vengeance against those who have wronged the United States
followed by an unintelligible roar from the teeming masses gathered at Ground
Zero.
Of course, the key to this plot is the simple but beautiful
fact that the presence of the Muppets does not change the outcome of this drama
whatsoever. We think, at first, that the
Muppets are going to save the day… but no. The tragedy turns out the same exact way—whether
the Muppets are there or not. The only
difference is that we can now add thirty-eight of America's most beloved entertainers
to the necrology, resulting in a final casualty list of 3,034.
Well, I better go to sleep now. I'm sure you have a lot to do tomorrow as
well. I'll let you know how the meeting
goes as soon as possible. I can't wait
to see the awed expression on the EVP's face when I pitch this billion-dollar-idea
to him tomorrow. Wish me luck, old
friend! Until next time, I remain…
Faithfully yours,
Robert W. Guffey
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